The Tao of Avoiding Credit Card Debt in Your Marriage

I was sitting in a mediation recently (hour 6 of a 10-hour marathon) when my client hit what runners affectionately refer to as "the wall." Her ex-husband had just countered our last offer with a low-ball alimony figure. We'd waited almost 75 minutes for the mediator to bring us a legitimate offer, and when his proposal didn't measure up my normally warmhearted and gracious client lost her sh%#! She beat the table. She cursed. She questioned the mediators professional commitment. She questioned her ex-husband's parentage.

My client went on like that for over 10 minutes. I didn't make any move to stop her. If nothing else, her ex-husband was going know the full weight of her displeasure when the mediator stepped back across the hall (after a stop in the washroom to re-apply his deodorant).

When the mediator left, I spent about 20 minutes talking my client down from the ledge. After a while, we were laughing about her outburst. I had to remind her that no one would be forcing her to settle unless she was certain it was the right choice. I also reminded her that she had been unfaithful several years ago, that she later admitted the affair, and that her alimony claim was on somewhat shaky ground.

The problem was whether we could prove her husband "condoned" the adultery. In alimony cases there is something called "condonation," which is when the aggrieved spouse forgives the cheating spouse on the condition that it not happen again. Sometimes, it's as hard to prove condonation as it is to prove adultery in the first place. There are disputes over what the innocent spouse knew, when he/she knew it, and whether the forgiveness was affirmatively communicated, or, uh, consummated by both parties.

In this case, my client had a strong case for condonation, but not airtight. In any good mediated settlement both parties have to give up enough to expose the other side to some risk if they walk away. To rationalize accepting a compromise that I knew was in her best interest, I told my client her affair was like running up a $1000 balance on a high-interest credit card, then ignoring the monthly statements for the next five years. By not telling her husband sooner and dealing the problem, she compounded it, just like accruing interest.

I had never used that analogy before with my clients, but since that mediation I've been trying it out in other contexts and I'm convinced it applies to many common problems surrounding the end of a marriage. If your spouse disciplines your child in a way you find inappropriate, deal with it now. Don't wait to mention it in my office five years down the line as a reason you should be granted primary custody, when you've accepted it for years. If your marriage is unhappy, either invest your energy in making it happy or get out. You think my rates are high? (totally worth it, btw!) The interest rate you pay for ignoring such problems is downright usurious.