I discovered the "cancer correlation" several years ago after meeting three new domestic clients in one afternoon. At some point, each client heard me say something they did not like, to which they replied: "Well, my [friend, sibling, coworker, second cousin twice-removed, etc...] was in this same situation and her lawyer got her this!"
In reality, no two divorces are alike. There are countless factual permutations that will yield vastly different results in two apparently similar cases. But how was I to convey that to my clients so that it finally stuck? The answer hit me on the way home. A lady was giving an interview on talk radio about surviving breast cancer, and she kept using the phrase "my cancer."
"Wow," I thought, "that's perfect!" A million other patients might share her diagnosis, but no one else on earth shares her cancer. Every survivor's experience is unique, and nothing that works for one patient is guaranteed to work for the next.
I tried the cancer metaphor a few days later, and it was like flipping on the light in a darkened room. The client seemed instantly willing to accept that maybe, just maybe, I could give her better legal advice than her friends and family. Thus, the ethos of the "divorce lawyer as oncologist" was born. Besides the revelation that every divorce is unique, here are "cancer correlation's" other main principals:
1. Like cancer, divorce attacks indiscriminately. In Iredell County, we have Nascar drivers and millionaire financiers, but we also have shift workers and day laborers. All of them come through my office door in no discernible pattern. If you find yourself confronted with divorce, don't agonize over why, at least not in my office. I would love to help you find those answers, but I hold a law license, not a counselor's license.
2. Like cancer, the object of divorce isn't winning, but surviving. OK, I admit it - this one is hard to obey sometimes. When other lawyers pull cheap stunts, like making useless procedural motions or asking the judge for a continuance I know they don't need, it's hard to resist going to the mattresses. But then I remember that this isn't my divorce, and even if the client is itching for a fight I'm not doing him any favors by fighting for the wrong reasons. 9 out of 10 divorce cases are resolved by settlement, not by a judge, and honestly that is a good thing.
I find if clients adapt their goals and expectations for divorce as though facing a life-threatening disease, they focus more sharply, think more clearly, and invariably walk away from the process in better shape. My theory is that thinking of divorce like cancer makes you more pragmatic about the options before you.
In the interests of pragmatism, here are some other tips for the initial consultation:
1. Bring your paystubs, bank statements, credit card bills, recent tax returns, and any other important financial records you can easily gather. You may not use them during the first meeting, but you'll be saving me significant time and you significant money later on.
2. Write down as many questions as you can think of ahead of time, but let me ask the questions at first. If I do my job right, 80% of your questions will be answered before you ask a single one.
3. Don't make your decision to hire a lawyer based on the hourly rate. I am neither the cheapest, nor the priciest divorce lawyer in Mooresville, and I promise you all of us are capable of racking up huge fees in hotly contested cases. Make your choice based on who makes you feel comfortable, who you feel you can trust. If you trust your lawyer, you are more likely to finish your case on time and under budget.
I hope some of you out there can use this post and this blog to make the challenges of divorce a little less intimidating. I pledge to only post things that are both entertaining and informative, and that in my experience help people cope with the difficult problems of divorce.
